Over the last 2 years or so, I’ve been gaining weight. I suspect this is linked to my contraception since weight gain from this specific contraception is completely normal and my lifestyle hasn’t really changed otherwise. In fact, it’s extremely unusual to use this form of contraception and not gain weight during the first 1-3 years.
Anyhow, since about June or July, I’ve been struggling with this issue. My clothes range from a size 6 to a 14, so I cover pretty much the entire spectrum. However, during a debating tournament there was this pool party and like everyone else, I was in swim wear. Because that’s what you do at pool parties. I love wearing swimwear for the simple fact that it’s associated with swimming and I fucking love swimming. Never before have I felt self-conscious in swimwear. Enter one fucking bitch. “You’re so brave for wearing a bikini around all the skinny girls”. Fuck you.
One comment. One comment that says so much. It tells me that this person looked at everyone at that pool party that had hundreds of people in swimwear and identified me as the fat one. Male debaters come in all shapes and sizes. Female debaters for some reason tend to be incredibly fit. I’m not and I know it. However, I didn’t think I deviated from the norm to such a degree that I was the fat one of the group. This one goddamn bitch made it very clear to me that I was.
In case anyone wonders, my bikini is a size M. In my world, M stands for medium. Apparently to some it stands for Morbidly Obese.
This one comment floored me. It came out of nowhere. This is not a person I know well, we weren’t having a discussion. She literally walked up to me to comment on my appearance. She literally went out of her goddamn way to point out that I was fat.
Hope it made you feel better about yourself, jackass.
I hate to admit it, this comment has haunted me like few other comments ever have. It’s a weird.. dissonance. I recently bought a wrap dress in an XS that fits just beautifully, while wearing it to a clothing store I walked straight over to the plus sized section because I was 100% convinced that plus sized clothes were the only ones that would fit me. I have never bought a plus sized garment in my entire life. I was wearing an XS. What the fuck was my brain doing?
The other thing that has happened is that some of the weight I’ve gained went to my arms. One suit jacket I wore two years ago doesn’t fit me anymore. One. This has eroded my self confidence even further.
Today, I tried on a dress in an XXS that fit (stretchy fabric). Literally the smallest size they had in that store. It was a bit clingy and in the end I went with an S because I wanted to be able to wear it on casual days too. But it did fit. The smallest size in the store fit pretty well and I was still concerned with my goddamn arms.
I don’t know my exact weight or exactly how much I’ve gained. I don’t own a scale. The thing is, I have an obsessive trait, am extremely critical of myself, and have a thing for measuring stuff. I know very well that if I start weighing myself, I’m setting myself up for an eating disorder. There was a stage in my life where I came very close to developing one and I don’t want to risk it. The worst thing I can do is give myself a number to obsess over.
It’s also made worse by the fact that I have a very unusual body shape. I’m an extreme hourglass. My ribs/waist are an XS and my hips/butt are probably an L or XL. I don’t have one size, I have all the sizes. When I buy bras I have to order them online because stores around here don’t really carry band sizes that small or cup sizes that large, especially not the combination of the two. It’s just really difficult for me to actually estimate my size or compare myself to others, because there’s very few people who have the same body type.
It has been years since I looked myself in the mirror and thought “disgusting”. Suddenly, I catch myself doing that again. Just every now and then. The weird thing is that I’m overall happy with my appearance, but when I have bad days, I have really bad days. Sure, I do my best to eat fairly healthily and try to get some exercise into my busy schedule. Yet I’m starting to get worried, worried because I think I’m losing my objectivity. Once I start looking for flaws, I find all the flaws and then some.
It’s weird how much damage one stupid comment can actually do, but it just caught me off guard. It’s always lingering in the back of my mind, in that dark dusty corner you don’t really get around to cleaning out if you know what I mean. See, I know I’ll get over this. I always do. But it might take a while.