35 Retro & Vintage Problems

Yes, I know this is a bit more Buzzfeed than we usually do on Polished Cryptids but I thought it was time to lovingly mock the problems that are unique to this subculture. As many of you know by now, I exist on the fringes of a few subcultures, throw in a bit of ‘very casual’, and pretty much wing it as I go. This is not meant to be condescending or snobbish or a critique of specific people.
These are just some common retro and vintage problems.

  1. 9 out of 10 times – you’re overdressed.
  2. Missing bobby pins – it’s quite possible your cat is hoarding the lost ones somewhere.
  3. Your arms constantly hurt from creating elaborate hairstyles.
  4. Modern wardrobes simply don’t have space for petticoats
  5. Winged eyeliner
  6. The Art of Sleeping With Rollers.
  7. Vintage shoes come in vintage sizes. Your feet don’t.
  8. Boobs were apparently rare in olden days.
  9. The inability to understand the modern crop top.
  10. And the man bun.
  11. You’re ambivalent towards very sexist but charming vintage ads.
  12. Translating contemporary dress codes into pinup wear
  13. Armpit stains. Hopefully they’re at least yours.
  14. 70 dollars for a t-shirt is no longer unexpected.
  15. Your style icons are long dead.
  16. Most photos of them were in black & white and you’re not sure which colours to turn to.
  17. Your skirts have a tendency to brush against people’s legs.
  18. You’re not really sure where the cupcake and unicorn pattern came from.
  19. Explaining vintage hair styles to your modern hairdresser.
  20. Strangers assuming that you’re either an extreme feminist or idolise the social ideals of the 1950’s. Apparently we can’t be moderate.
  21. Curls that don’t last.
  22. Your friends just don’t understand the importance of red lipstick.
  23. Many modern trends seem peculiar to you.
  24. Is this plastic or genuine vintage?
  25. Most vintage garments are not designed for women of modern average height or above.
  26. When people assume you’re going to a costume party.
  27. Laundry day is downright scary.
  28. Winter wardrobes remain a mystery.
  29. You own more hair flowers than real flowers.
  30. Vintage wear takes a lot more time than modern styles. Dressing up is a chore, albeit a delightful one.
  31. You simply don’t rush pincurls
  32. People assume that your ability to dress like a 1940s housewife also means you can cook like one.
  33. There’s simply no good exercise wear that works with your style.
  34. Bronzer has never made sense to you.
  35. Victory rolls.

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