Sucking at Self-Care

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I’m not very good at taking time off and often sneak practical and productive things into my activities on days off.  Today I tried taking a day off.

I haven’t written a word, but you bet I’ve been mentally constructing a case for an upcoming debate my kids might be in. I cancelled the hike I’d scheduled for 7am (because even I genuinely think getting up before 6 am on a Saturday for productivity purposes is really stupid), but made sure to go for a long walk that at least my fitbit counted as exercise. I bought a book with Lovecraft stories today and discovered that I was getting annoyed with myself for not having finished the first story yet.

I simply don’t like doing things where I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything. Numbers, now that’s something I do like. Going for a walk is less satisfying than walking on a treadmill, because treadmills have all sorts of wonderful numbers for me to keep track of. I have two separate fitness apps on my phone, a built in one and the one that accompanies the fitbit I got the other day. I’ve started a bullet journal that I keep at my desk in the office.

I love being productive, but man do I hate deadlines. It’s pretty evident that I use work as some form of self-medication and I like to be able to control that dose. Deadlines, especially when they gain up on you, tend to hinder productivity and ensure that I get less actual work done. I like completing tasks, I don’t like hearing the ticking of the clock.

I recently had to say no to paid work due to other obligations and found it outright upsetting to do so. I have to genuinely stop myself from scrolling through job adds out of curiosity and a desire to do more.

I do pay the price for my inability to relax and just live like a normal person. Flirting with burnout is a bit of a hobby and I’m pretty sure it’s not helping my sleep issues. Balance is not my greatest strength, but I’ll have to improve if I’m going to be able to keep this up in the long run.

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